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July 2005

A LETTER FROM A SOUL IN THE DESERT

(submitted by Grace Devine)

Dear Lord Jesus,

       I have been going through a desert and have felt spiritually cold and desolate.  My intellect rightly informed me not to pay any mind to feelings and to simply focus on Truth.  You, Lord, are Truth!  I began to wonder if I was meant to share what I have learned so far through this darkness.  The first thing that jumped out at me was how this experience has helped me to grow in humility.  It is one thing to say, "I am nothing" and quite another thing to know I am nothing; but I learned today from a homily on E.W.T.N. that true humility only comes in the peace that others also know I am nothing.  During this dark period, I have lived with the 'reality' of my nothingness and have really begun to absorb the 'reality' of Your Omnipotence.

     To my own shock and dismay, I was immersed in a great aversion to prayer.  At least my nature was rebelling against prayer; while my soul was craving it.  The greater my disinterest in prayer grew, the deeper my soul longed for it.  I never dreamed I would come to a place where I did not want to be bothered to pray!  I loved to pray!  I would go through long periods where I'd pray five or six hours a day and delight in it without neglecting my duties.  How could this be happening to me?  I began to doubt my love for You Dear Lord.  I questioned my sincerity, asking myself if I had just been a phoney all along.  Had I fooled others, and most of all had I fooled myself?  I gave in to mindless distractions, anything to avoid prayer, and my duties suffered at times too.  I JUST DID NOT WANT TO PRAY!  I found it shameful even to admit it.  Now, more than ever, I realize that even the desire to pray is a grace from You, Dear Lord, and no one can even say ‘Jesus is Lord’, unless the Holy Spirit leads him.

      While I have been a serious-minded Christian long enough to know and understand that SUFFERING IS THE BEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE GRACE GIVEN TO US FOR THE FURTHERING OF YOUR KINGDOM, I've been slow to embrace that this dreadful apathy and indifference may just be the type of 'suffering' You have chosen for me.  If I had been asked to undergo some form of physical suffering, I think I would have understood but this?  I could not get past the thoughts that somehow I must be responsible, that my love for You is just too weak, hypocritical, almost non-existent, or I would not be adverse to spending time with You in prayer.  There have been many times during this period when I forced myself to go to prayer and sometimes it was no more than a rote activity.  Other times, in Your Mercy, You saw fit to grant me some consolations.  Knowing my weak nature and my wretchedness, I believe that You understood that I needed some comfort so that I might be able to carry on.  For a long time, I've prayed for child-like trust and now I had to rely on it with all my might.  In Your wisdom, You know that, in order to acquire trust, Your children must experience a need for it.  I am sincerely thankful to You for teaching me this truth, and I glorify You for giving me the grace to trust You through all of this.

      This agony has lasted for almost a year, and I thank You for giving me such a wonderful Spiritual Director, who has patiently guided me all this time.  He asked me to meditate on the poetry of St. Faustina from her diary.  I had always loved the meditations he assigned me, but this time, it seemed like a huge burden.  I felt like a ship without a rudder, because I did not know which direction these meditations were taking me.  I spent over a month on them. Then, the final one seemed to sum up everything You have taught me, Dear Lord. 

Excerpts from Diary entry #1654 follow:

O truth, O thorny life,
In order to pass through you victoriously
It is necessary to lean on You, O Christ,
And to be always close to You,

            I would not know how to suffer without You, O Christ
            Of myself I would not be able to brave adversities.
            Alone, I would not have the courage to drink from Your cup;
            But You, Lord, are always with me, and You lead me along mysterious paths.

A weak child, I have begun the battle in Your Name.
I have fought bravely, though often without success,
And I know that my efforts have pleased You,
And I know that it is the effort alone which You eternally reward.

            My heart will not rest from its efforts and struggle
            Until You Yourself call me from the field of battle.
            I will stand before You, not to receive a reward.
            But to be drowned in You, in peace forever.

Lord, the following is my response to You:

     Oh Lord, I at least hope my efforts have pleased You, for sometimes I feel I've made no effort at all.  However, this unholy lack of effort has called upon me to exert even grater effort, not to be swept away in an ocean of disinterest and drown in the darkness of sin and hopelessness.
       Satan would have me embrace defeat; but You, Oh Lord, would have me embrace Your Mercy.  So why therefore, would I embrace defeat, when Your Infinite Mercy awaits me?  Oh Heavenly Spouse, Oh Glorious Bridegroom, I await You, knowing You will come and reveal all Your loveliness to me again.  Come, Lord Jesus, come!  Come, Holy Spirit, come!  Come, Eternal Father, come!  Come to Your bride, Your servant, Your weakest of children, for I need You!  Come, Eternal and Triune God, and cover my nothingness in Your Omnipotence.  Let me lose myself in You.  Your Mercy is everlasting.  If indeed this is the cross You have seen fit to grace me to carry, I know You have a wonderful purpose for it and I thank You most sincerely.  Into Your hands I commend my spirit, O Lord.  If it please You, dear Lord, I humbly beg You to let me rise from this darkness with an intense fervour for Your Kingdom, and most especially for poor souls.  Amen.

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